Assertive Responses

There is no overall “best” way to respond to every harasser in every circumstance, and women are the only ones who can determine what the best way is for them to respond in any given incident so they will feel both safe and empowered. The more informed they are about options for responding, the better they can be at making that decision.

Here are a range of ideas for responses women can use that hold harassers accountable for their behavior. Because harassers often throw women off guard, practicing these responses can make them come more easily when harassed. They are a compilation of my own suggestions as well as many street harassment and sexual harassment experts including Martha Langelan,⁶ Lauren R. Taylor,⁷ and Dr. Bernice Sandler.⁸ Since a street harassment incident can be startling and throw women off balance, practicing these responses aloud and role playing scenarios can help women feel more able to actually use them.

How to talk to a harasser:

• Always use strong body language: Look the harasser in the eyes; speak in a strong, clear voice. Using your voice, facial expressions, and body language together, without mixed signals, show assertiveness and strength.

• Project confidence and calm. Even if you do not feel that way, it is important to appear calm, serious, and confident.

• Do not apologize, make an excuse, or ask a question. You do not need to say sorry for how you feel or what you want. Be firm. Instead of saying, 'Excuse me...' 'I'm sorry, but...' or 'Please...', say directly, ‘Stop doing X.’

• Do not get into a dialogue with the harasser, try to reason with them, or answer their questions. You do not need to respond to diversions, questions, threats, blaming, or guilt-tripping. Stay on your own agenda. Stick to your point. Repeat your statement or leave.

• Do not swear or lose your temper: This type of reaction is the most likely to make the harasser respond with anger and violence and it also can make you seem like the one who is crazy or wrong when the harassment happens among a group of people, but no one sees what the harasser did to you.

• Decide when you're done. Success is how you define it. If you said what you needed to say and you're ready to leave, do so.

Ideas for what you can say to a harasser:

• Name the behavior and state that it is wrong. For example say, “Do not whistle at me, that is harassment,” or “Do not touch my butt, that is sexual harassment.”

• Tell them exactly what you want. Say, for example, “move away from me,” “stop touching me,” or “go stand over there.”

• Use statements, not questions if you tell them to leave you alone. For example, say, “Leave me alone,” not “Would you please leave me alone?”

• Make an all-purpose anti-harassment statement, such as: “Stop harassing women. I don't like it. No one likes it. Show some respect.” Speak it in a neutral but assertive tone.

• Use an A-B-C statement (and be very concrete about A and C).

• Tell the harasser what the problem is;

• State the effect.; and

• What you want.
  Here is an example: “When you make kissing noises at me it makes me feel uncomfortable. I want you to say, ‘Hello, ma’am,’ from now on if you want to talk to me.”

• Identify the perpetrator: “Man in the yellow shirt, stop touching me.” (This is especially useful if you and the harasser are together somewhere with other people around).

• Attack the behavior, not the person. Tell them what they are doing that you do not like (“You are standing too close”) rather than blaming them as a person (“You are such a jerk”). Avoid cursing, name-calling, put downs, and other actions that may escalate the situation unnecessarily.

• Use the “’Miss Manners’ Approach” and ask the harasser something like, “I beg your pardon!” or “I can’t believe you said that,” or “You must have me confused with someone to whom you think you can speak that way,” combined with strong facial expressions of shock, dismay and disgust.

• Ask a Socratic question such as, “That’s so interesting – can you explain why you think you can put your hand on my leg?”

• If the harasser is in a car, write down the license plate of the car. Even if you can’t see it, pretending to write it down can scare the perpetrator into stopping. If the harassers are aggressive or threatening and you do write down the license plate number, you can report them to the police.

• Buy a notebook and write in bold letters on the cover “Street Harassment.” Take out the notebook when you are harassed and ask the harasser to repeat himself so you can write it down. Make a big show of asking for the date, time, checking the place you are at, etc. If they ask why you’re writing things down, you can say you are keeping a record of harassment.

• Tell the harasser that you are conducting a street harassment research project or survey. Take out a notebook and start asking them questions such as, “How often do you do this?” or “How do you choose which people to harass?” or “Are you more likely to do this when you are alone or when you’re with other people,” or “Do you discuss people you harass with your mother, sister, or female friends?”

My forthcoming book Stop Street Harassment: Making Public Places Safe and Welcoming for Women (August 2010) includes further information on responding to harassers, including a number of success stories.

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